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My dad died ten years ago this week, and I've been thinking about him a lot in the past few days.

He never saw me become the guy I am now.

That's sad in general when someone loses a parent, but it's doubly sad because I feel more of a connection now than I ever did before. I'm a father, and by any objective view, a damn good one. I cheer my little girl's soccer goals, I play under the blanket in our submarine when we're going to visit Ariel. But I also scold her. I scare her straight when she needs it, and everything I do in this world, I do for her.

This is the version of me that's most comfortable. it just fits. this is what I was always supposed to be. the guy who hangs around her every chance I have, not to protect her or to supervise her, but because it's where I'm happiest. I wish my dad could know the version of "me" that I've become. I think he'd really like me.

My dad and I had a weird relationship, and for a good chunk of my life, he wasn't really present. But as adults, we connected and became friends. I can honestly say, I never thought as a teenager that his passing would have this effect on me, but it has. As an adult, my perspective has changed, and I'm very grateful for the time we had.

We have another child coming, and I'm convinced it'll be another girl. I joke about wanting a boy for the purposes of democracy, but I'm almost positive it's going to be a girl. The only thing that disappoints me about having another girl is that I won't be able to name her Frank.

Soundtrack: NFL Radio. Gotta get ready to defend my fantasy title!

I am not who I was, but I am who I am, and I probably will be who I was...

I've discovered some pretty interesting changes in myself over the past year and a bit.

I'm not talking about the standard "My priorities changed because now I have something to live for" changes, although those exist. Specifically, I'm talking about death and violence. For years, I've loved Tarantino movies, and I followed Dexter religiously. Lots of death and violence in those shows, and it never really affected me much. I recognized it as a plot device and understood that liking artistic depictions of violence is not the same as being violence, or liking violence. My favourite books have always featured dirty settings and flawed characters. I've loved the romance of tragedy my whole life. You can't have a history degree without liking a good war story, right?

Now, I try to like those things, but they've changed. I still watch Dexter and Sons of Anarchy, but the feeling is different. It's almost like I fast-forward the death parts and focus more on the characters and stories. The stuff that's normally covered up by the sexy violence and death. And you know what? Shows like those still hold up for me because I'm invested in the characters.

I got a Blu-Ray player for Christmas, and I started building my movie collection again in a new format. I have a bunch of Tarantino moves, and a personal guilty pleasure, Boondock Saints. Another wonderful Christmas gift? I got the Game of Thrones box-set of books.

And they're all still wrapped in plastic (except Reservoir Dogs. I loaned that one to a friend who'd never seen it). I love those movies, and they're a big part of my history as a pop-culture junkie. I'll probably keep them forever, but for the moment, I don't have any desire to watch them.

Why, you ask? Well, the romantic in me says it's because I choose to believe in a make-believe world that is much brighter, and where happy endings are the norm. I want to make a world like that for my daughter, no question. And right now, I'm having trouble reconciling the old me and the new me.

I think I'll probably end up desensitized again, and I have no doubt I'll watch lots of TV, movies, and read books filled with violence because that's a kind of romance that I will always enjoy.

Again, time to pull the plug, before I run on too much.

Soundtrack: Sports Radio. Go Dogs Go!

Reboot.

I just read some heavy shit. Here's the link:

http://becomeabetterfather.com/family/you-just-broke-your-child-congratulations-by-dan-pearce/

It's pretty well-written, and it tells a very good and necessary story. There's nothing in there that I didn't already know about being a father, but it made me see things clearer.

And now, a bit about me:

I am a Dad, and it's the single greatest job in the history of humanity. I love every minute with Eva. She's the light that guides me, in every possible sense. She was the piece that made me whole. I can't come up with enough superlatives to describe how much better she's made my life, and she can't even say my name yet.

Don't get me wrong, I love my wife-to-be very much, and it's a kind of love that is based on admiration, trust, and a lifetime of proof that I will never find a more compatible soul. She's my support group, my bodyguard, my conscience, and my best friend, all in one. But with Eva, it's different.

There was no period of adjustment, no gaining of trust. It just was. I am her hero. And it's unconditional.

That's an awesome responsibility. Huge. (HuMANgus, in Bryzgalov-Speak). I struggle with the pressure of it often. Not with doing it, that part is easy. But I allow myself exactly zero margin of error, and that's not easy. I work hard, and I try my best though, and I keep the pressure at bay most of the time. Sometimes I get down on myself for not being perfect every minute, because the stakes are so high. But then I take a step back, breathe, and remember I'm human.

I feel like I'm a good father. I know Laura's a great mom (not only is she great, but she makes it look easy most of the time), and I see Eva growing every day, physically and emotionally. It's like there's a brilliant light around her, and it makes everything else better just for coming in contact with her. Strangers can't help but smile when they pass her in a public place.

That's the key, ultimately. She's a happy girl, and that's how people know her. Her smile comes easy, and it fills a room. I know I'm doing more good than bad, because that light keeps growing.

I had more to say, but I really like that line, so I'm going to stop rambling. But I promise to start again soon enough.

Soundtrack: Daughter's Father by Gord Bamford.

A little hokey, but a perfect fit.

Moments...

So, there is lots of info on what's happening with baby, and volumes upon volumes about what Mommy is going through. That's definitely a good thing (not sure I'd be walking around without a helmet and athletic cup if I didn't know hormones are normal!), but there's not a lot about fathers out there.

Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong spots, but seriously. Never once have I seen a web page or a book about coping with the insecurity of not knowing how I'm going to pay for diapers, much less how I'll deal with sports gear, music lessons, field trips, family vacations, college educations, first dates, heartbreaks, car accidents, and about a thousand other things I can think of that I can't afford, or just plain scare me.

Well, I may not have the answer, but I have found a way to cope: Moments.

Like when that one song comes on the radio (for me, it's the one about having a kid just like me), the whole world kind of pauses.

Or when I made the latest ultrasound image the background on my phone. When I see some random athlete or celebrity win something, and thank his or her parents for all the support.

Or, better yet, when, last week, I heard that perfect heart beat 150 times in a minute, and I successfully fought back tears.

And when the doctor told us everything was fine even though Mommy's blood sugar has been a little whacky.

Every one of those things is a Moment. I look for them every day, and they help keep me grounded. Sometimes, the Moments are easy to find, sometimes they're damn near impossible. But they're there. So keep looking, and keep finding them. Your sanity may depend on it. I know mine does.

Pregnancy status:

14 weeks today.

26 weeks to go.

Status: Just a little smaller that the iPhone I used to find this out...around 3.5 inches from head to bottom

Daddy's Little Genius? Almost, but not quite. This week's development is highlighted by rapid brain growth. Still a few years before I have to remember trigonometry though...

Interesting Fact: Our first OB appointment was a success, complete with a printed ultrasound picture!

Next week: More doctors.Less sleep. More Moments.

Soundtrack: Brad Paisley, Dierks Bentley, and, oddly enough, Our Lady Peace

Boy or Girl?

Random Thought Time!

(I have these random thoughts pretty much all day, every day. If I have a thought I think is interesting or important, I'll probably write it down. I know it's probably not interesting or important, but if you know me at all, you know that doesn't matter...)

Okay, so if you took a poll of prospective parents, and asked what is the most-asked question, you would probably get a resounding winner.

If that same poll asked which question is the toughest to answer honestly, I think you'd get the same answer.

Do you want a boy or a girl?

First and foremost, the most common answer is also most often correct. I just want our baby to be healthy.

But is it really that simple?

If I'm completely honest, sometimes I do feel like I have a preference. At my most insecure, I want a boy because it's familiar (I'd imagine that Mommy wants a girl for the same reason sometimes). Then we see some cute stuff at the mall, and I want to have a girl because we both know how fun it would be to dress her in pretty dresses and such. Then, I want my boy to be the first-overall pick in the 2025 QMJHL entry draft. Maybe later that day, I want to sit back and watch my little girl play with her Mommy and marvel at how much of her Mommy I see in her.

So, the answer is, I want a boy. Or a girl. And in the end, the positives of each gender outweigh the other, to the point of a perfect balance.

So the only thing I hope for is a healthy baby, because I know all three of us are gonna be just fine no matter which it is.

A time to start...

Things are good in my life. In fact, things have never been this good. Everything is going well, even though I sometimes forget to look at the big picture, and get bogged down in details. But here's all you need to know for the moment:

I have a wife-to-be who loves me as much as I love her, and we have a baby on the way. Today, she is exactly 13 weeks pregnant.

I just had a great birthday week full of rest, relaxation, family, and friends. I got couple nice presents to remind me that the people I love the most are the ones who know me best. My mom gave me a blanket with pandas on it, and Laura got me a copy if The Hockey Sweater, a must-read for every Canadian child (if you want to know how it starts, look at a Canadian five-dollar bill). The idea of sharing my birthday was nice, and it feels perfectly natural. I don't much care what I get for myself at Christmas, but I know what to ask for: whatever baby stuff we still need at that point!

So, this is my own little corner of the Internet, and I plan on updating over the next little while.

Pregnancy status:

13 weeks today.

27 weeks to go.

Status: Baby is approximately the size of a peach.

Fuzzy or smooth?: Starting this week, fuzzy! Hair starts growing this week, and baby is capable of standing up perfectly straight in the womb. Head's still pretty heavy though, so the neck is getting longer to accommodate.

Interesting Fact: I have 2 apps on my phone to give me most of the info I'm passing along. The What to Expect app is my favourite, but the Enfamil-sponsored Your Baby app is a close second (although the pics and videos on Your Baby tend to creep out Mommy!).

Next week: Our first OB appointment, and more food-related size comparisons!

Future Post Ideas: Influencing Baby's musical tastes, nicknames (for Baby and family members), and my personal magnum opus, Baby and hockey.